Luckiest Man Alive


YOU are the luckiest man alive.

Let me rephrase that: You were the luckiest man alive.

You see, now you’re dead, so… Yeah, not so lucky anymore. But, Adam, when you were alive you really had it going for you (in a shallow, superficial kind of way).

During your mortal life, you had perfect luck with women. You were given a gift: you always got the girl. Every damn time. You barely even needed to try. Women got naked for you at the drop of a hat. Surely you understood that you had a power that other men didn’t?

Adam? Are you listening?

Just ignore those red-hot pokers. We put those here to scare newcomers, they’re just for show. I promise we will never stick one of those in your asshole. No, sir, wouldn’t dream of it.

You were good enough to look at, but that’s not the reason you attracted women. It wasn’t your money, or your personality. You were an ordinary amount of funny and a normal amount of interesting. You weren’t especially brave nor selfless. Your abs were fine. Your hair was okay. You smelled meh. You were really just a guy. Hell, you didn’t even have a big cock. You were an ordinary, boob-lovin’, ass watchin’, lady stealin’ kind of guy with no outstanding characteristics.

You’re just our type down here, you know. We specialize in scoundrels, lowlifes and pickup artists. You fall into one of those categories. You know you do.

Adam, do you remember that night when you were fifteen and you pleaded with the universe to get to third base with Becky Schiller (and you did in fact get into her pants that night)? You said, and I quote:

“If anyone is out there listening, please, please, I’ll give you anything to go down her pants.”

Well, I was listening, and I granted your sweet, hopeful wish to finger Becky. You did it and you liked it (she was less impressed, but whatever, this is about you). And now your soul belongs to Moi.

(I’d also like to note that The Big Guy does not answer requests for sexual favors unless the sex is to have a baby, and sometimes not even then. All purely sexual requests come straight down here. We have kind of a monopoly on the market of the please-lemme-get-fucked prayer response. I’m quite proud of it. Oh, and prayers for football teams. Those end up here, too.)

I thought it might be amusing to fuck up the balance on Earth by skewing the sexual attraction curve a mite in your favor. I mean, you really didn’t have much else going for you, did you?

My meddling explains your startling success with women. I hope you enjoyed this gift while you could, because it’s going to be a rough ride for you down here. We’ve got some pretty interesting stuff planned for you, my friend, starting with a blowjob from the Spider Queen — ah, but I’m off subject again.

You know, this power over women didn’t have to corrupt you. The other guys I “blessed” with this “gift” didn’t all end up with us down here. Some of them used the power in limited ways for the benefit of the women they loved. I mean, let’s take the example of Jason Fridley. He had the power and only used it to give his lovely wife (Ellen) orgasms that other women would have died to experience. He’s upstairs now, by the way, for that and other reasons unrelated to sex.

You on the other hand… Well, Adam. You used the power to fuck as many girls as you could, one after another, for your entire life. Starting with Becky and ending with Mari and Sara. Do you know what your partner count is? Of course you do, because the numbers are all that mattered to you. Your number is high, Adam. Really high. Even for rock stars that’s a huge number.

You know, the biggest problem wasn’t the fucking. We afterlife managers don’t really care about fucking, contrary to popular belief on Earth. Pleasure’s a good thing, fuck as much as you want. It’s literally the only interesting thing to do on that shitty planet of yours.

No, it’s not the sex. It’s the attitude.

You never had a meaningful relationship in your life. You used women as something slippery to wrap around your cock, as a slight improvement over your bottle of lotion. I gave you the ability to give a woman orgasms beyond her wildest dreams. You barely had to try and she would be writhing in your arms. Why didn’t you use that power more often? You could at least have given those poor girls something devilishly special to remember you by.

Can’t you see how selfish that was, how it ultimately led you down here?

(You could have also worn a condom now and then. That would have scored you a few notches on the eternal bedpost (to use an idiom you’re familiar with). Did you know that you have 92 illegitimate children? And I won’t even mention the diseases… We’ll be visiting all of them on you over the next few aeons, so you’ll get to experience those first hand.)

You didn’t have to end up here at all. You could have enjoyed your gift with the right women and for the right reasons and you’d be in a better place. But you just had to try to fuck them all, didn’t you?

Well. My little lecture is over. You made your choices. You’re here now and we’re grateful to have you. We all think you’ll be kind of fun to play with.

Before we get to the proper “entertainment”, we’re going to watch your life backwards. We’re only going to hit the highlights — nobody cares to watch you sleeping — and we’re going to start with your actions yesterday, the day you died. I’m sure that you remember it well.

Actually, Adam, maybe you should narrate this story for us. You were there, you probably know it best:

July 3rd: U.S.A, Earth, near Miami, Florida

I grab a big towel, tuck a bottle of lube into my swim trunks and head out onto the beach. The waves crash in and the air smells of the sea. There are a few young people on the sand, kicking a ball around. I walk up to two young women in bikinis. They are luscious. Thin but with just enough curve.

“Hi,” I say.

“Hey,” they reply.

“I’m Adam,” I tell them. The blonde is Sara and the brunette is Mari.

Both of the lovelies crack into a big grin and glance at one another. I’m used to this. They’re impossibly attracted to me.

I’m going to ask them something personal just to prove that I can get a woman to do anything for me.

“Did you masturbate today?” I ask, pointing at pale Sara. A normal man could never get away with that question.

“No,” she says, giggling. I smile. As always, totally receptive.

“Did you?” I point at olive-skinned Mari.

She looks embarrassed and kicks the sand. “I did this morning,” she says shyly. “To get my boyfriend in the mood.”

“You did it for your boyfriend? He watched you?”

“Yeah,” she admits, blushing.

“Then he fucked you?”

“Yeah?” she says, her flush clearly deepening.

Damn. Hot, hot, hot. I like these girls already.

I ask them how old they are. They’re nineteen. Perfect.

“Wanna take a walk?” I say.

We traipse along the wet sand, letting the cool waves wash over our feet. Mari and Sara are happy to tell me anything and everything about themselves. They tell me about when they lost their virginity, about what makes them come, about their secret fantasies. This has always been the best part of my gift: laying bare their souls. By the time I get a girl’s clothes off, I usually know her secrets better than her best friends.

We find a private part of the beach. It doesn’t really matter to me if people see us, just so long as the police don’t arrest me for public lewdness. The clouds in the West are tangerine and it’s getting cooler. I spread the big towel out on the sand.

“What are we doing?” Sara asks, brushing a strand of pale hair out of her face. I smile at her. She’s so pretty.

“I’ll tell you in a minute,” I say.

I’ve got to decide how to handle these girls. There’s such a smorgasbord of options. You must understand, they will do anything I want them to.

Anything. Gleefully willing. It’s a man’s dream come true.

I weigh the options and the situation. We won’t have much time here on the beach before somebody reports us. I decide a quickie is necessary. I’ll get in, get off, and get on my way…

But first, a little bit of playtime.

“Take your suits off,” I tell them, and they happily strip. “Damn, you two are perfect.”

I gaze at their bodies, flushing them with compliments. I tell them to turn around, bend over, pose for me. They’re lean and fit. Sara’s breasts are perfect: a nice handful and firm. She’s shaved her pussy like in the movies and it’s nice and smooth. She’s quite skinny. Mari is shorter with wide hips and full tits. Her nipples are broad and dark. She’s got a dark strip of hair on her mound and her butt reminds me of ripe fruit, sweet and ready to be plucked.

I tell Sara to suck Mari’s nipple. She gladly bends over and slips the nipple into her mouth, rolling it with her tongue. Mari gasps. Sara moves on to the other nipple once the first one is nice and hard.

While she’s doing this, I caress Sara’s slim ass. So firm. I kneel on the towel and spread her cheeks to get a look at her asshole and the pink folds of her pussy. I run my forefinger over her folds, picking up a little of her moisture, and then I push my finger inside her cunt. Her pussy flesh is hot around my finger and wetness is just blooming inside.

I stroke my finger in and out a few times. Her pussy responds with a flood of natural lube. Sara moans as I massage the roof of her cunt. I spend a few moments playing with her clit until it’s pink and swollen. Sara rocks her hips and sucks Mari’s tits harder.

I kiss Sara’s clit, slurping at it. The angle’s a little weird, but I get my tongue all over it. She moans softly. She tastes like fresh, delicious pussy.

Fuck. My cock is trying to burst out of my trunks. I stand and pull it out.

“Come here,” I say. “Kneel down.”

Both girls hop on their knees, looking up at me with those pretty faces and expectant eyes.

“Who wants it first?” I say, pointing my cock at one and then the other, as if it’s a game of spin the bottle.

Mari goes first. She grabs my shaft with her hand and strokes me a few times. The wind tousles her dark hair across her face and I find that super sexy. Her hand feels amazing, and when she wraps her lips over the tip of my cock I groan with delight. She looks up at me with dark, sultry eyes and slides her tongue over my tip. Tingling, pleasure, and the delicious urge to thrust.

While she’s got my cock buried in her mouth, I idly notice a middle-aged couple on their evening walk on the beach. They spot us and look uncomfortable, and the woman seems to be on the phone. I know I’ve got to hurry. The police will be here soon.

“God, girl,” I moan. I let her tease the tip for a few moments. “Let’s see how deep you can go.”

She brushes her hair out of her face, opens wide, and goes way down. She wiggles her head back and forth to make my cock fit. Her eyes are big and she’s making gross noises. I can feel her throat on my tip. I grab hold of her head at the pleasure.

“Oh, fuck,” I swear. Mari chokes and pulls back. A trail of slime runs between my dick and her lips.

Mari’s ready to dive in again but I point my cock at Sara. “Let’s see what you’ve got,” I say. “Quick. I think that couple just called the police.”

Sara’s got that girl-next-door look. She’s the kind of girl that looks like she wouldn’t know what to do with a cock. Innocent. Man is that a mistaken impression! She leans in, opens up, and takes me deep. All the way deep. One big, unbelievable slide and she’s holding almost all of me in her mouth. She gazes up at me with beautiful blue eyes, her lips wrapped around the shaft of my fat cock and I just about lose it.

I don’t want to stop. I really want to keep swapping my dick from one girl’s mouth to the other, but I’m afraid we’re going to get caught. I love blow jobs but don’t want a night in jail.

“On your backs, right next to each other,” I say, and the girls do it just like that. They’re beautiful, naked angels. “Spread your legs wide open.”

I have to just take a moment to describe this: these two gorgeous girls are on their backs, spread-eagled, just waiting for me. Their nipples are hard and their tits flatten against their chest. They watch me eagerly as I pull off my trunks and slop some lube on my dick. Mari’s cuntlips are full and dark. Sara’s are small and soft pink. I don’t know which one I want to fuck first.

This is my life, I think victoriously. I get sex when and how I want it. I don’t have to be romantic or thoughtful. I can take my time or just fuck, and the girls never think I’m the bad guy.

“Spread wider,” I tell them, and they both open their thighs as wide as they’ll go. I gaze at their glistening folds as if that’s going to help me decide.

Mari, I decide. I get down on her and position my dick at her opening.

“Are you ready?” I ask.

She nods, nibbling her lower lip.

She’s super wet. I run the tip over her snatch a few times and she wiggles her hips. Her dark eyes moon at me seductively.

This is my favorite part. I press forward. My tip enters her. She parts her lips with a gasp and arches her back. Damn, so hot and wet inside. She envelopes me. I bury my shaft, stroke it in and out just to get the feeling. Holy hell, she’s good. She moans. Her nipples harden.

Once I’ve got Mari warmed up, I pull out and jump over to Sara. I love how naughty it is to put my dick into one chick, whip it out, and shove it right into another one. Plus, as a man, I just find it interesting how pussies feel. I’m like a wine aficionado, except my thing is cunt.

Sara’s so wet I can hardly believe it. I slide my dick over her clit, making her squirm, then line up at her cunthole. She tenses, her thin body getting rigid.

“Relax,” I say, pressing into her.

I groan. Her pussy is raging hot and soaking wet, and she’s so damn tight. It’s hard for me to squeeze in. I use a little more force and my dickhead slips into her pussy. She gasps and winces as I go deeper. I stroke in and out a little, trying to widen her velvety channel.

Meanwhile, Mari is spread wide open and fingering herself. I glance over at her and she’s got two fingers thrust into her well-oiled cunt. She’s chewing on her lip, watching me trying to penetrate her friend. Lust is painted all over her face. It turns me on so much. Her pussy makes juicy noises as she masturbates.

I thrust steadily forward into Sara, totally surprised by her narrow pussy. I’m only halfway and I feel like I’m stuck. She whimpers and gasps and braces her hands against my chest. She’s trembling.

“Careful,” she whispers. “Go slow.”

“You’re so damn tight,” I groan.

“Because I’m a virgin,” she says.



I have a personal rule not to seduce virgins, but I realize I forgot to ask her this time. It’s not really an ethical thing for me, I just usually find that they’re not quite ready for me yet. But I’m half-deep in Sara already so I guess that ship has sailed. I’m not going to
partially deflower her. If we’re doing this, we’re going all the way.

It explains why she looks so damn innocent, though, doesn’t it? I can hardly believe that this cutie-of-all-cuties hasn’t been fucked at nineteen. Clearly she’s been sticking to blow jobs, because she’s damn good at those.

“Okay,” I tell her. “I want you to just relax. It’ll hurt a little, but I’m just going to take you now, got it?”

“Okay,” she says, but I can feel her muscles tightening around my cock. “Careful.”

“No, just trust me. We’re just going to do it. Let go,” I tell her. “Relax.”

She lets out a breath and I feel her loosen. I grab her wrists and pin them over her head. Her breasts flex appealingly.

I thrust. Her eyes widen and she opens her mouth and gives a shuddering little cry. I just go for it, pushing into her, opening her for the first time. She’s so unbelievably tight. It’s like heaven around my cock. Then I settle into the depths of her newly-deflowered cunt. I feel that satisfaction of my dick being the first to reach her core.

Mari moans and fingers herself, thrusting her hips in the air next to us. Her pussy sounds so sloppy.

“Good?” I ask Sara.

Sara nods. “Yeah.”

“Here goes,” I tell her.

I start stroking slowly in and out of her. Her pussy is fucking steamy and wet. It’s such a good feeling having her flesh wrapped around my dick I can barely describe it. I want to come right now, but I don’t. I keep thrusting in and out, loosening her a little, and she starts rocking her hips and moaning. Shortly, I can tell the discomfort has passed and she’s full-on for sex. Her pale cheeks are pink and her breath is ragged. She thrusts her hips up to take more of me.

Mari groans at the sight of me fucking her friend.

“It’s so fucking hot,” Mari says.

Sara just moans. I free her wrists and she runs her hands over my chest and abs, getting the feel of a man on top of her.

“I love it,” Sara says as my cock makes sloppy music in her cunt.

A jogger runs by and stops. He just openly stares at me fucking the blonde. He even comes a little closer. I don’t say anything. It’s a public beach, after all, he can stand and watch whatever he wants.

I see red and blue lights flashing in the palm trees down the beach. Shit. The police. I’m out of time. Suddenly I’ve got a quandary: I’m balls-deep in a sexy ex-virgin and her horny friend is hot and waiting right next to me. I’ve gotta come but I’ve got to do it fast.

I start fucking Sara fast and hard. She cries and moans as I take her. She wraps her ankles around my back. Her pussy gushes.

I grab her tits, squeezing them hard. I pinch her nipples and it makes her crazy. She arches her back and claws at my arms passionately. The sound of her friend makes Mari go nuts. She’s rubbing her cunt with her whole hand, propped up on an elbow so she can better see my erection plumbing her friend. All the sudden, Mari tosses her head back and thrusts her hips toward the sky. She clamps her thighs together over her hand and still rubs herself aggressively. Her throaty cries are so sexy. Sara moans in response.

I’m so close as I fuck Sara. Her tight pussy slides like butter around my cock. I feel a tingling pressure build toward the tip. I start to moan.

“Oh, fuck. I’m going to come,” I say.

Sara makes her own sexy little noises, so turned on by my groans of pleasure. I thrust, thrust, thrust

I pull out. It’s agony. Sara whimpers as her cunt gapes for my cock.

“Mari, open your mouth,” I say.

I straddle her, hanging on to my orgasm long enough to shove my rod down her throat. I let go, moaning as I thrust into Mari’s hot mouth, my cum spilling out into her throat. She gulps and swallows and coughs, making messy, sexy noises. Sara watches, rubbing her clit super fast. As I spend my jizz in Mari’s mouth, Sara lifts her skinny hips and comes. Her eyes are glued on me. She makes little high-pitched cries as her pussy spasms with relief.

As soon as I’m done, I jump up and pull on my suit. My heart is pounding and I just want to wiggle around with these girls for a while, but we’re totally going to get caught.

“Come on, hurry,” I urge them.

The jogger watches us dress. The girls can’t get their tops back on quickly so they pull on their bikini bottoms and we make a run for it. Their breasts jiggle as they run. They giggle. I love it.

We find a concrete stairway down the beach that leads up to a little parking lot. It’s now dusk and the sky is purple. I give Mari and Sara a hug and a kiss on the lips, the first time I’ve kissed either of them.

“Thanks,” I say.

“Thank you,” Sara says with a big smile. She arranges her bikini top. “I don’t suppose you want to go get something to eat?”

“No,” I tell her. “I just wanted to fuck you. I don’t really want to hang out.”

The girls seem fine with that. Some guys might feel guilty but frankly I don’t care. I got what I wanted: two willing and sexy girls to have my way with and never see again.

We say goodbye and they wave. I smile to myself as I walk away.

I’m the luckiest man alive.

Well, that happened, didn’t it? Quite the show, Adam. Bravo.

Two minutes later you were texting a woman who was obsessed with you (yes, Jessica, the one with the nipples that point in two directions) and you weren’t paying attention. You walked right in front of a taco truck and were flattened. It’s kind of funny, really. Your last few minutes of life were a perfect reflection of the previous thirty-two: selfish, hedonistic and not paying attention to the road ahead.

Are you proud of yourself, Adam? I’ve got to admit I’m a bit proud of you. I mean, you were a huge disappointment in every ethical sense of the word, but you were a first-class lecher. I’m not sure I could have done better myself, and that’s saying something. I’ve been practicing for eternity, but you’re a natural!

Let’s go back over the last seventeen years of your memories, at least. We can stop after we review the Becky Schiller incident. It should only take us five and a half years to review that much (if we skip the sleeping, eating, pooping and all the other boring shit humans do with most of their lives). After that, I’ll let you decide if you’d rather have your nipples sliced off in an endless loop or have your erect dick used as a pin cushion. Literally as a pincushion: some of our uniforms have holes in them that need mending, so we could use some help holding the pins.

Oh, and I forgot the Spider Queen blowjob. Let me assure you that it’s nothing like any blowjob you ever got on Earth. She knows what she’s doing with her mandibles, but I’ve heard that she’s a bit toothy.

Adam. Oh, Adam. Crying like a baby’s not going to help you. The time for regrets was while you were alive. Shall we watch your memory of the next poor girl you seduced? What’s her name? Oh, here it is: Amanda. You fucked her in the bathroom at the mall food court and then stole her shorts as a joke.

Yes, that will be fun. Let’s get some popcorn and roll the tape.

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